I am afraid of bears. I don’t hike, or camp, or hang out near dumpsters in mountain adjacent communities for this very reason. While I am afraid, I have always been a little curious about them. They are so fast, powerful and agile for a beast of their size. In the same way I have done considerable research on plane and helicopter crashes prior to booking my flights… (I have a completely rational fear of flying…) I’ve read extensively about bears and bear safety and have acquired many random bear facts in my time.. want to hear some? Yeah?  Ok, here goes:

1. A grizzly bear’s jaw is strong enough to crush a bowling ball… think about that for a second… now think about the fact that the photo below was captured as a colleague and I drove past cars parked on the side of the highway taking photos of this giant grizzly as he was searching for food… did you know that naive tourists in tin-can-like vehicles may be considered a food source by a bear?  In fact, several of these uninformed tourists may or may not have been eaten in the making of a future Facebook album documenting their camping trip through the Rockies… we didn’t stick around to find out (we didn’t stop at all)… What I can confirm however is that if under these circumstances the bear did eat any of the tourists, he would not be held criminally responsible for his actions (in other words, he would not be shot, or tasered, or even taken into custody), as baiting is not permitted in this jurisdiction. Actually, I believe that procedure dictates that the Wildlife and Gaming Officer is required to give the bear a high five, a pat on the bum and say “good game” before sending him back into the forest, belly full and happy. A response I am supportive of, being a strong proponent of Darwinism and all.

3. During hibernation bears do not defecate… So, the answer to the seemingly rhetorical question, ‘does a bear shit in the woods?’ is, not in the winter. Fact: Scientists do not know how the bear’s body converts its feces back into protein, but you know who does? God… Creationism – 1 / Science – 0

4. Human pollution has caused the average length of polar bears’ penises to shrink (Correction, make that: Science – negative 1). So many questions… first off, who funded this study and for what purpose? Second, can I see the job description they posted seeking the research assistant for this study? I can’t imagine it not including the following key competencies: must have soft hands and an inappropriate affection for bears… or the ability to fake it at minimum.

Finally, were the following variables considered?

• Polars bears spend plenty of time in the cold water and lying around on the ice. Is it possible that the subjects may have been suffering from an old fashioned case of temperature induced shrinkage?

• Or, is it possible that the female polar bears have gotten less attractive and/or more naggy over time?

5. A bear can fit 150lbs in its belly. Yeah, me too… 

Stay great!